buddies..... this one's for u!

hey Guys...
u knw i was so disturbed by wat happened last week on my blog space that i couldn muster the courage to visit my space again.... stupid of me but thats hw i am.... n today as i turn to read the coments of my dear blogmates i had tears in my eyes... u guys r really nice, Wanda .. Stillness.. Adi... Jack thanks for being there :) it means a lot.. we may never have met but u knw its very comforting to come back to u guys .. u don judge ..somethng we all human swish frm those who we love... n i hope we too practise this with those we share our lives with,
i have so much to write abt. its like i wana weave a beautiful fortress with my words..
well more later :) thanks u guys once again

i wonder y we do stupid things at times....... n i do them all the time... u knw the most amazing thng about being stupid is that while u r being one u don even realise.... its smthng i did yesterday... a very immature n inconsiderate thing.... but i din realise it would hurt someone so much, when that someone happens to be the person i m crazily in love with....i feel like such a jack ass ..like i do nw.......
hmmmm...... so i try n set out to rectify my mistake, since it happened on the blog lemme try undoing it here.....
u knw at times we read more between the lines than what was actually conveyed..... the intensity with which u feel maybe isnt the same as felt by the other person.
its tough to justify my action , but trust me it is not worth ur precious emotions.... n i would never ever cause mental unrest to the person who means the world to me....... quite literally.....
i hope u can let this one pass... i m sorry for being so stupid.... this is probably the first n the last time, i promise....

Dancing in the rain ......

smthngs in life never change they say... i so knw it... i m sitting by my window... a while back i was all in mood to work on my thesis n seriously going thru it..till i heard a pitter patter outside .... i hurried to the balcony n there it was ... rain drops dancing on the streets ..... i felt like running out ..playing with them :) i alws used to as a kid... mom used to scream threatening of the impending fever n throat ache i quite alws contracted frm the wind n the water but i couldn care less... pretending to be all careful i would run to fetch an umbrella n my doggy would jump arnd me...she was the only one aware of my intentions n we would exchange those looks :)once out of mum's gaze i would jus thrw the umbrella n love each drop on my face...esp my eyes n lips ..the most tantalising of touch... from the heavens above..... my doggy too would join in n bark hysterically ... out of joy n later concern ....reminding me mom aint too far away ...n tat eventually we have to go back in all wet n dripping.... a sneeze or two would bring my attention back to the point my smart doggy made.... tiptoing back into the house with six set of footprints...yup 4 of the furry tail n 2 mine we would rush into my bedroom..i had to dry her first alws... was worried wat if her fur stays wet..dogs r pretty sensitive tat way...blow drying her n wipping her while i would be driping water .. n then our lady feeling beautiful would bark at me ordring to get dry fast.... dogs don need to to talk their eyes do the talking for them.... i so miss hers......
but those dances in the rain mark my childhood... jus jumping arnd... life at its best :) i so miss doing it ... post all the melodrama of rain dancing..cosying up in my bed with my furry mate... HEAVEN!!
today years later in my hostel...sitting beside my window watchng the rains dance arnd... i feel i haven grwn up at all... i still ache for wat i did years ago.... i hope to make many more memories .... dancing in the rain :)

m back!!

hi there
Gosh i have been absconding frm the blog world for quite sometime now.... wat a shame...n i hate giving excuses .... well i guess priorities shifted cos of some special events :) so i shouldn be complaining....
anyws ...it feels great to be able to cme home to my blog... "The Space" so lets begin the conversation with thy self!! :)
today a pregnant patient came to the dept. a petite thing already a mother of one pregnant the second time.... she had a massive facial swelling... lil did she knw wat grave trouble she was in... poor lady... at times i wonder why life gives us wat it does.... coming back to the dept scene... all humdrum surrounding her... people rush to take radiographs... another wants to pocket the case... n i too for a wild moment think like that... how stupid of me.... i wonder at times how barbaric n crude we get in dealing with patients... it is addressed as a "good case" n we go on to whose doing it... then again for our selfish reason we hold on to it till the desired period of time...
i pinch myself.. n step back... i look at her n thnk abt her life... her pain n a zillion things abt her... n i feel good... cos i din think selfish... we operate at 2 planes.. we can act selfish n we can think selfish.... more often than not we think selfish.... n i hate it when i catch myself thinking tat way.... ofcourse the patient's interest is wat we work for ..but somewhere we cross the fine line of humaneness .... i may get a degree..but i still need to evolve to a better plane... where i can neither think or work selfish but in fact work selflessly... its v tough cos we work in a pond with crocodiles all around us... conspiring ...conceiting... its tough to nt get affected.. but that's the challenge all about... to keep ur head above when all about u r loosing theirs.... its not big degrees which make big doctors..its small gestures n thoughts which make us worthy of being called one....

random amblings.......

God! its been reallllyyyyyy long since i posted smthng... n i knw watever reasons i give would sound like excuses ..cos i have none actually... hmmmm..so lets c how life's been last 20 days that i have been away .... it was great actually.... home was great fun... i kinda ran away frm college to be hme for a long weekend- which was kinda self declared :)
u knw its like i feel at times the urge to live my life on my own terms... m bound by duty n rules n regulations n all that crap...but i knw its my life n this phase will never come back.. i mean to be able to spend time at home.. with no cares in the world..no obligations n all.. cos i guess post wedding there will be people to thnk of n to ask.... i may i may not.. cos i feel my home is my "being" n no one as in NO ONE on earth can tell me if or when or how many days i can go there for..... i wonder hw previous generation of women could take this kind of bondage..male dominated n crafted existence.... hmmmmm..tough !! it still is prevalent in i would say 80% of our country. wat liberation we c is very urban n sad enough hardly a figure worth mentioning ....
again the percent of women who claim to be "liberated" mistook the term with wat could be a warped brain atrophy .... i state it very simply though.... never take shit from anybody.... n i mean nobody on earth.... i guess at times this has lead me to build a shield around me..... its like self preservation... when u have been hurt a zillion times u jus don want anythng to break u again n so u go on this mode... hmmmm....
m super slepy its almost an hr past midnight.... i hate sleeping on saturday nights :) especially when it rains n is all cool n nice outside...
atleast i broke the dead lock on my blog today...hope to make more sense in tomo's post :)

the pain had vanished.... the heart so numb
the sighs were hollow like the drowning sun...
my hand stretched out for a gasp of life
shadows disappearing in the morning light.......

i strained so hard for the final look...
tears all blinding my gaze of u...
is this the end i ask myself
where was i when life passed me by
it all flashed past like a blaze of light....

it seemed a blur n so it was..
a moment to end that seemed so far....


P.S : i knw i promised part 2 to my previous post n i shall keep up my word..till then jus few words which tumbled out when i read the plight of a young girl who met her end quite unexpectedly.... maybe this was how she felt...

To Die or not to......

hmmm... a weird title for a post ..u bet... but a very serious mind twister.... i have alws been pro Euthanasia..mercy killing as it is popularly known.... in Washington the first person actually called off the supports under the assisted Suicide law..her name is Linda Fleming.. she was battling a terminal pancreatic cancer... as alws there are people protesting against this brave lady's act.. n i wonder why
i knw for a fact that death isnt the end, its a transition to another sphere.. a dimension not knwn so wel to the human mind ... but we all r souls .. n every soul knws for a fact it cant be destroyed..it jus moves on ... energy can neither be created nor destroyed...remember!!
so lets explore the connection betwn after life states n Euthenasia..... m gona be quoting Linda.... hoping she has found peace n her light ..... our lady wanted to call it off cos she had been thru enough already the exruciating pain her body couldn bear anylonger...... she said "since i m a very spiritual person..i want to be clear minded conscious n alert at the time of death....." the pain medication was kinda dulling her spirit n she wasn in control.... so u c its very important to invite the end n be in the right frame of mind before u pass on..i knw the accidents victims don have that choice... will come to that later....
our last impressions at the time of death are very strong they r wat in many ways decide our soul's journey... we must be able to accept our end not fear it n KNW FOR A FACT that its not the end... so why shouldn we be allowed to decide when we can pull off the supports... infact all terminally ill patients should be allowed to ....
the art of dying is as important as art of living.....
Linda was at peace when she passed on ..her physical body had withered but no her spirit.. m sure she saw the light, n was aware of wat was awaiting her....
i would continue this in my next post.... there r things i wana talk abt.. like the light..the spirit guides... n a lot more...
catch ya!!