Wednesday, March 18, 2009

M feeling crappy today...... i jus feel m wasting my life doing wat i am.... i knw its not true but how do u handle the pressure... i guess m ok wth handling pressure but wat freaks me out is unreasonable expectations of people....... 
i don like being answerable to anyone... i jus realised... i had only heard its an arian trait din knw it existed in me... i knw wat m doing so i guess hate when someone points a finger...... or questions my intentions.....
hmmm... life is teaching me lessons... oh God... i feel like going for a long drive ...  and leaving al this behind....... sometimes when thngs are all botched up..its so nice to close ur eyes n let ur imagination run wild...... 
like right now when i close my eyes i feel like jus taking off to some hills go for a long walk up a path n reach a monastry where lots of buddhists monks r chanting n big bells or gongs r ringing and there r these thick grey rain filed clouds jus breezing past me... i could jus touch them with my hands :) and jus sit there looking at the monks .... i can almst imagine myself in jeans n sweater n a nice muffler sitting with a smile on large stone steps of a beautiful monastry...  feels beautiful :) i guess life aint tat bad after all.... maybe m jus over reacting..... 
m feeling better already.....  i think the only person who i must live upto is myself and work hard to feel proud ... so when i look back to tell my kids the story of my struggle they can be proud of their mama :) ok nice thought to freeze on 

7 comments:

Jack said...

Nups,

Just remember you are answerable only to yourself ie your conscience. If it is clear after what you have done then you have not done any wrong. You yourself have realised it in the end of your post. Nice visit to the monastry. Write something when you feel under undue pressure. How are things going? What are future plans now?

Take care

Stillness Speaks said...

People always expect so much from us. Family, friends, your colleagues. I can't name someone who doesn't. And yes, too much of anything is bad. I guess this is what they mean by saying, have faith in yourself. If you know what you're doing, and why you're doing it, there is no reason why you shouldn't do it..

The way you wrote about the monastery made me feel I am there already. Very calming, very beautiful :-)

Take good care of yourself and the rest shall take care of itself :)

nups said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nups said...

hey Jack
u r so right abt the conscience thing... sometimes the whole world mistakes but u r so clear in ur mind n heart.. its happened to me quite a few times and i swear having faith in oneself is the only way to survive, u have a lot of experience m sure ... u worked with air force na... tell me more :) well the future plans r tat God willing the wedding is gona be in Nov. and i m doing My Post graduation so tat will get over only by april next year so will join him in US after tat

nups said...

hey Ms Stilness
u r so right abt the expectation bit ... u knw at times u feel like getting under the bed where no one can c u or atleast forget tat u exist :) m sure tats how puppies feel when they r scared.... the big "E" word keeps getting bigger than life na as u grow up.. the school.. college.. then marriage and family my God! endless.... esp for a girl in our country life is tough don u think so ?
u knw all of a sudden i thought of a great topic to blog on... this weekend! chal catch u
m glad u enjoyed the visit to my monastry :) anytime u r low or tired u r welcome there :)

Jack said...

Nups,

We too were married in Nov. What is your subject for PG?

Take care

Stillness Speaks said...

You're right. It's not easy being a girl. But it's worth the effort! You are right, this is what they mean when they say "Faith can move mountains". You just HAVE to believe in yourself.

All the best for the PG and the wedding! Wish you all the happiness :-)