To Err....

"We err because we are humans. So don't beat yourself up for the mistakes you made. Learn your lessons and let go. Even if you don't see hope, strain your neck to see that faint gleam of sunrays streaming thorough your window. It is staring you in the face, waiting patiently for you to pay heed. Life isn't cruel. Just hang in there and keep the faith intact"
these lines r frm a friend's blog... its weird .. i have been v disturbed abt smthng.... a visit to her blog n notice jus the lines i needed........ like a tonic.......
its surprising hw people forget the goodness n remember only the bad.. hw they blame .. label.......u may be good 100 times but if u faulter once or twice ...nobody remembers the good... ur bad is thrown at u time n again......
it hurts.... i m feeling down... it may be festive season but i m nt happy.... i dono where to go n who to turn to... so as usual i come here n..... thankflly as i write i feel again... i m nt numb anymore... as i write my eyes get flooded and the wet warmth of tears comfort me......
Life is tough.... i knw i need to accept it...... to transcend it....... lessons r tougher.... i hope i don crumble.... I don't want my actions or speech to hurt anyone on this earth......
i hope i live up to the realisations which hit me...
thanks Stillness... u really helped........
i wrote the post so far around 2 in the night... on Xmas eve.... i was realy dwn as is pretty evident...
life is wat we make of it... u weep u weep alone and u smile n the world smiles with u..... so true...
its nice to be able to reason out things with oneself... i love doing that.. i love n hate n cry with myself.. i fight with myself when i let mysefl down... no its not cos i m consumed with EGO n Self but its cos i realise i m more for others...i m responsible ... n i have no right wat so ever to hurt another being.... i have done it in past n i realise it was earth shattering for me....
somebody was right in saying the one who is wrong n has erred is more in agony than the one who has been hurt... cos guilt works faser than cyanide.... n is worse cos it causes slow death....
thank god i m over it now...n ready to face life ... i have forgiven myself n feel more responsible now:)
Merry Xmas to all....

A New Life :)

its been a very long time .... i have been away frm the blogosphere for far too long.. but surprisingly as soon as i log in i feel connected ....
I m back and i m Married!!!!! wow.. i cant still believe it... though it sucks to be back all alone to hostel but when u love someone so dearly .. u can feel their presence all around u.... i m smitten :) feels awesome n the best thing is its puppy teenage love type of feeling with elements of maturity , understanding .. and yes commitment follows.. cos u belong to the person so actually there's no separate issue which once upon a time must have plagued when u r going around with someone....
lots to write about .. n m gona share all my experiences with this space.... its like reliving the moments.... some bitter some sweet... but all worth cherishing :)

the not so normal...... or is it!!

i was sitting with my roomy one of the nights and as hostels are infamous for spooky stories n ghost tales at night ... we too were havng a heart to heart... she wears a talisman and has gone thru a few incidents pretty harrowing...
imagine havg fainted ... all cold on the ground n to be able to see some spirits ready to take ur soul away... sounds like a scene frm one of the horror flicks.. u may raise an eyebrow..snigger n say woman! get a life.... this bull isn't true......
wat if i say hey!! behold... this is not any crap but its true.. ever heard of near death experience.... a tunnel oh so long and light at the end..... its no fiction my dear friend.. medicine has accepted the phenomenon of NDE (near death experience) its only our cognitive mind which tricks when actually we r all collective consciousnes....

i had saved the above mentioned bit n din post it... somehow... n next day when i went to my dept... my junior had another story to tell me... she had once been to a river almost flooding cos of rains... she stood there...water lashing up against her torso... giggling away with her bunch .... only to get back home later n feel soo blue... she spent the next few days sitting all by herself in her room... not wanting to eat.. feeling a strange kinda possesion over her self... and when her mm couldn bear to c her like that.. she took help of the local guy.. u knw those who can identify spiirts n talk them out of u... she was apparently possesd by a spirit of a guy who was thrwn into sthe river by his dad or family or smthng... she felt him... actually!!! this is a real life encounter....
Its true they say.... i have read a lot abt the unseen dimensions.... the world which is there ..but jus nt visible to us... we all have the ability to connect if we wish to....
there r many souls who haven seen the light post death... these r the ones which tend to be looking for some attachment.. and when we r low or our energy field is weak... either due to illness or depression... such spirits tend to attach to us..... its difficult to believe but its true.....
wat these spirits need is love n light.... its important to send them to their dimension... this happens at the hands of a good healer....
its said we all have at some point in life some spirit body attached to us.... we jus have to remember to keep our energy field.. aura v strong... alws upbeat... so that we can not this harm us..... and remember there's a lot more to eyes than wat we can c.... but most of the mysteries of universe are unfathomable... this for sure is one of them .......

31st August!!

hey :)
today is a beautiful day for me.. a day i have waited for 8 long yrs...... i don have words to express my relief n my Gratitude to the Powers above.... it was a long wait but finally justice came our way... my family n i have been waiting for a lonnnnggg time n today we finally got the court order.... putting to rest our nightmares...
i am far away frm the people who r the reason for my existence... i cried ..i smiled .. i laughed... i wish i could be with them ... but i am alws away... guess alws destined to be ths way... never mind... i m nt to complain today atleast.... its a landmark day in our lives.....
u knw i so wanted to hug someone today.... have u ever felt the need for a hug... or the lack of it... nthng matters in life if u don have someone to hug n share joy with ...or maybe hug n cry with.... heartbreak or bliss...u do need that warm bear hug..... even my doggy isnt with me :) or i would have been happy hugging her :)
well .. today is a day which is gona be filed away... in the history of my family as a very significant day... jus like birthdays n anniversaries are....
u knw i can smell smthng right now... which is so comforting n soothing...... it reminds of smthng v special frm my childhood... fragrances can transport u back in time :)so lemme call it a day nw.... :)

Gratitude

I was wondering today hw grateful i am for wat i have in life... this thought crosses my mind a few times each day but the fact that i sulk reminds me of my ignorance and arrogance....
Its so easy to keep huffing n puffing over trivia in life... n more often than not we spin this web of confusion n complication arnd us ... bound by invisible chains of crippling despondence.... but y do we do that....
I have never actually made a list of things i m grateful for but i knw if i do it would run into pages.... i am blessed with love, health, knowledge, wealth.... wat mre can a human being need to survive... i have the power of discretion ... to knw my wrngs frm rights.... i mean wat mre could i ask frm heavens above.... nothning actually.... but a human tat i am... never satiated with wat i have i still dream on .. n i don stop at dreaming .. i worry ... i despair... i long n when i don have wat i want i get pissed n blog the way i did yesterday :) stupid na... hw futile...
so either we can live a life caught up in this vicious cycle... or we can learn to recognise Gratitude..... there a saying..." of all the attitudes u wear ..the attitude of gratitude is the most important...."
its said when u recognise wat u have more comes ur way.... Divine laws r very simple... acknowledge it thank the universe n it blesses u more....with everythng ..unbridled.... try it... it wrks... i sure am gone remnd myself to shift my gears....

Indian wedding!!!

helloss.... long time as alws... college has become busier than ever... n come to thnk of it ... its the last few months remaining i kinda want to cling to each day ...precious life as a free willy ... having lived so long as a loner in hostel rooms i wonder how would it be to be with someone of the opposite sex.... hey i m straight n all but i mean am used to girls arnd me ..u knw.... n hostel is like u can live as if a tornado jus hit ur room.... live with a pile of clothes n books n stuff strewn all over... its my mess n i love it kinda of a thing..... i will have it tough fitting in the frame of married woman.... it sure psyches me out at times..... it could be fun also.... but i hate emotional dependence ... i mean it jus hurts u at the end of the day doesn it... am i being critical ..hmmm i dono.... but isnt it true all the expectations n living together brings a myriad of adjustments with it..... i m shit scared ..... we humans dig our own graves by first falling in love then marrying n if it wasn enough we reproduce to bring more of our species to suffer like we do........ crazy coots i say... sigh....
i have heard marriage can be fun ..... i hope so i am looking frwd to it.. but i have jitters.... i am a fiercely independent being ... i speak my mind ...do my own thng my own way... being a female has never been a deterant till date have never been made to feel any lesser by anyone on earth... so suddenly fitting into the wife ..daughter in law n such frame is bloody frightening.... i hate rituals.. i hate too many women hankering over my head asking me things to do or to talk n walk like this n do this n do that..... **** man!! harrowing!!!
WHY do we do this to ourselves .... y cant we love n be spared the pain n torture associated with it.... y cant life be easy n smooth.... y should we marry n be made to feel like cows being sold to a new household..... i hate this tradition of marriage in our country..... is so bloody boys side dominated shit..... ya i am being vocal n pretty blunt in this post... but hey its wat i feel... n its true!!!

buddies..... this one's for u!

hey Guys...
u knw i was so disturbed by wat happened last week on my blog space that i couldn muster the courage to visit my space again.... stupid of me but thats hw i am.... n today as i turn to read the coments of my dear blogmates i had tears in my eyes... u guys r really nice, Wanda .. Stillness.. Adi... Jack thanks for being there :) it means a lot.. we may never have met but u knw its very comforting to come back to u guys .. u don judge ..somethng we all human swish frm those who we love... n i hope we too practise this with those we share our lives with,
i have so much to write abt. its like i wana weave a beautiful fortress with my words..
well more later :) thanks u guys once again

i wonder y we do stupid things at times....... n i do them all the time... u knw the most amazing thng about being stupid is that while u r being one u don even realise.... its smthng i did yesterday... a very immature n inconsiderate thing.... but i din realise it would hurt someone so much, when that someone happens to be the person i m crazily in love with....i feel like such a jack ass ..like i do nw.......
hmmmm...... so i try n set out to rectify my mistake, since it happened on the blog lemme try undoing it here.....
u knw at times we read more between the lines than what was actually conveyed..... the intensity with which u feel maybe isnt the same as felt by the other person.
its tough to justify my action , but trust me it is not worth ur precious emotions.... n i would never ever cause mental unrest to the person who means the world to me....... quite literally.....
i hope u can let this one pass... i m sorry for being so stupid.... this is probably the first n the last time, i promise....

Dancing in the rain ......

smthngs in life never change they say... i so knw it... i m sitting by my window... a while back i was all in mood to work on my thesis n seriously going thru it..till i heard a pitter patter outside .... i hurried to the balcony n there it was ... rain drops dancing on the streets ..... i felt like running out ..playing with them :) i alws used to as a kid... mom used to scream threatening of the impending fever n throat ache i quite alws contracted frm the wind n the water but i couldn care less... pretending to be all careful i would run to fetch an umbrella n my doggy would jump arnd me...she was the only one aware of my intentions n we would exchange those looks :)once out of mum's gaze i would jus thrw the umbrella n love each drop on my face...esp my eyes n lips ..the most tantalising of touch... from the heavens above..... my doggy too would join in n bark hysterically ... out of joy n later concern ....reminding me mom aint too far away ...n tat eventually we have to go back in all wet n dripping.... a sneeze or two would bring my attention back to the point my smart doggy made.... tiptoing back into the house with six set of footprints...yup 4 of the furry tail n 2 mine we would rush into my bedroom..i had to dry her first alws... was worried wat if her fur stays wet..dogs r pretty sensitive tat way...blow drying her n wipping her while i would be driping water .. n then our lady feeling beautiful would bark at me ordring to get dry fast.... dogs don need to to talk their eyes do the talking for them.... i so miss hers......
but those dances in the rain mark my childhood... jus jumping arnd... life at its best :) i so miss doing it ... post all the melodrama of rain dancing..cosying up in my bed with my furry mate... HEAVEN!!
today years later in my hostel...sitting beside my window watchng the rains dance arnd... i feel i haven grwn up at all... i still ache for wat i did years ago.... i hope to make many more memories .... dancing in the rain :)

m back!!

hi there
Gosh i have been absconding frm the blog world for quite sometime now.... wat a shame...n i hate giving excuses .... well i guess priorities shifted cos of some special events :) so i shouldn be complaining....
anyws ...it feels great to be able to cme home to my blog... "The Space" so lets begin the conversation with thy self!! :)
today a pregnant patient came to the dept. a petite thing already a mother of one pregnant the second time.... she had a massive facial swelling... lil did she knw wat grave trouble she was in... poor lady... at times i wonder why life gives us wat it does.... coming back to the dept scene... all humdrum surrounding her... people rush to take radiographs... another wants to pocket the case... n i too for a wild moment think like that... how stupid of me.... i wonder at times how barbaric n crude we get in dealing with patients... it is addressed as a "good case" n we go on to whose doing it... then again for our selfish reason we hold on to it till the desired period of time...
i pinch myself.. n step back... i look at her n thnk abt her life... her pain n a zillion things abt her... n i feel good... cos i din think selfish... we operate at 2 planes.. we can act selfish n we can think selfish.... more often than not we think selfish.... n i hate it when i catch myself thinking tat way.... ofcourse the patient's interest is wat we work for ..but somewhere we cross the fine line of humaneness .... i may get a degree..but i still need to evolve to a better plane... where i can neither think or work selfish but in fact work selflessly... its v tough cos we work in a pond with crocodiles all around us... conspiring ...conceiting... its tough to nt get affected.. but that's the challenge all about... to keep ur head above when all about u r loosing theirs.... its not big degrees which make big doctors..its small gestures n thoughts which make us worthy of being called one....

random amblings.......

God! its been reallllyyyyyy long since i posted smthng... n i knw watever reasons i give would sound like excuses ..cos i have none actually... hmmmm..so lets c how life's been last 20 days that i have been away .... it was great actually.... home was great fun... i kinda ran away frm college to be hme for a long weekend- which was kinda self declared :)
u knw its like i feel at times the urge to live my life on my own terms... m bound by duty n rules n regulations n all that crap...but i knw its my life n this phase will never come back.. i mean to be able to spend time at home.. with no cares in the world..no obligations n all.. cos i guess post wedding there will be people to thnk of n to ask.... i may i may not.. cos i feel my home is my "being" n no one as in NO ONE on earth can tell me if or when or how many days i can go there for..... i wonder hw previous generation of women could take this kind of bondage..male dominated n crafted existence.... hmmmmm..tough !! it still is prevalent in i would say 80% of our country. wat liberation we c is very urban n sad enough hardly a figure worth mentioning ....
again the percent of women who claim to be "liberated" mistook the term with wat could be a warped brain atrophy .... i state it very simply though.... never take shit from anybody.... n i mean nobody on earth.... i guess at times this has lead me to build a shield around me..... its like self preservation... when u have been hurt a zillion times u jus don want anythng to break u again n so u go on this mode... hmmmm....
m super slepy its almost an hr past midnight.... i hate sleeping on saturday nights :) especially when it rains n is all cool n nice outside...
atleast i broke the dead lock on my blog today...hope to make more sense in tomo's post :)

the pain had vanished.... the heart so numb
the sighs were hollow like the drowning sun...
my hand stretched out for a gasp of life
shadows disappearing in the morning light.......

i strained so hard for the final look...
tears all blinding my gaze of u...
is this the end i ask myself
where was i when life passed me by
it all flashed past like a blaze of light....

it seemed a blur n so it was..
a moment to end that seemed so far....


P.S : i knw i promised part 2 to my previous post n i shall keep up my word..till then jus few words which tumbled out when i read the plight of a young girl who met her end quite unexpectedly.... maybe this was how she felt...

To Die or not to......

hmmm... a weird title for a post ..u bet... but a very serious mind twister.... i have alws been pro Euthanasia..mercy killing as it is popularly known.... in Washington the first person actually called off the supports under the assisted Suicide law..her name is Linda Fleming.. she was battling a terminal pancreatic cancer... as alws there are people protesting against this brave lady's act.. n i wonder why
i knw for a fact that death isnt the end, its a transition to another sphere.. a dimension not knwn so wel to the human mind ... but we all r souls .. n every soul knws for a fact it cant be destroyed..it jus moves on ... energy can neither be created nor destroyed...remember!!
so lets explore the connection betwn after life states n Euthenasia..... m gona be quoting Linda.... hoping she has found peace n her light ..... our lady wanted to call it off cos she had been thru enough already the exruciating pain her body couldn bear anylonger...... she said "since i m a very spiritual person..i want to be clear minded conscious n alert at the time of death....." the pain medication was kinda dulling her spirit n she wasn in control.... so u c its very important to invite the end n be in the right frame of mind before u pass on..i knw the accidents victims don have that choice... will come to that later....
our last impressions at the time of death are very strong they r wat in many ways decide our soul's journey... we must be able to accept our end not fear it n KNW FOR A FACT that its not the end... so why shouldn we be allowed to decide when we can pull off the supports... infact all terminally ill patients should be allowed to ....
the art of dying is as important as art of living.....
Linda was at peace when she passed on ..her physical body had withered but no her spirit.. m sure she saw the light, n was aware of wat was awaiting her....
i would continue this in my next post.... there r things i wana talk abt.. like the light..the spirit guides... n a lot more...
catch ya!!

Few bitter sweet moments !!

hi there
long time.. its been a while since i posted smthng... today was a weird day... i went thru so many thngs in the day that by the end of it i wasn sure whether i shud frown abt things or rather jus smile n move on.... work wise i knew the day was going to be hard and it was.. we were shouted at.. now i m kinda used to getn shouted at.. n as i was walking into the chamber of horrors i told myself no matter what he throws at u ...u nt gona let it affect u...i kinda pictured this shield arnd me making me "thick skinned "pretty literally, n it worked.. while he was throwing shit at us i was jus mutering the choicest of swears under my breath..n i walked out pretty unfazed :) proud of myself... i was bit disturbed so i jus called a pal to canteen to get it out of my system...thank god for friends... its was my usual S.O.S call ..... hmmmm then i got the good news abt a very good friend getting engaged ..n guess when ... Tomorrow :) how cool is that.... in the middle of all this another friend of my left for home cos her dad is citical n i jus wondered wats this life all about... i for a wild moment felt so small in this game called life... thanks for the vision or i would have got wallowed in my lil insignificant existance, i jus thought today if i die..life will move on jus as it is... few people may cry for a while but thats it... no one will perish cos i m nt there... so i wondered if i m nt to be taken seriously why shud i take my troubles seriously...... i'd rather do my best in my time on earth ..i wana reach out to those who need me.. today a patient who is mentally challenged jus melted my heart... his smile was the warmest n most wonderful thng tat happened to me the entire day....... when i waved to the kiddo bye he sheepishly smiled a bit embarrased n waved back, it was Gods way of telling me Babe u r lucky.... n that u r sent here for a purpose so jus do ur work n don get all worked abt some scums who r born to be a pain u knw here.....
n of course the good news of the day, for which i m sooooooo thankful is that i passed my exams :) even if that A****** gave me borderline marks atleast i passed :) THANK GOD!!!!

This one's for you :)

Some people in our lives are so special n precious that u jus wana guard them n hide them in a corner of ur heart where no one would ever inflict any harm on them, life would never be mean or unfair to them, no evil will ever brush past them.... I guess thats what they call Love!!!!
this post is my attempt to send into the universe the gratitude i feel for finally having met the love of my life....
well i would be lying if i say i wasn bothered or i was too busy in my career to think of love n such stuff... i may have laughed over the subject a dozen of times with close friends over a cup of coffee but we all knew life was acting up big time... all of my friends are doing well professionally but none of us were truly happy.. we all had arrived in our ways...proved ourselves in various walks of life.... climbed mountains to reach where we all r today but most of us were groping in the dark for the "love of our life"....
have u ever noticed life gives u the best of stuff when u least expect it to..or when u r so caught up in some insignificant event that u couldn care for anythng else...
i guess thats how i was introduced to the one i m dedicating this post to....
The universe does conspire to give u wat u wish for with all ur soul n conviction..n i m lucky my prayers were answered.. i dono wat to call him... my fiance or my boy friend or whatever.. i jus realised u cant name some emotions ..they jus form the core of ur existence and thats it... he wrote a beautiful quote for me which goes like

"Love is primarily giving, not recieving. Giving is the
highest expression of potency. Giving is more joyous than
recieving,not because it is deprivation, but because
in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness...."
Erich Fromm

its a beautiful thought... we r all so consumed by the thought of acquiring , receiving that we forget to give... when we give unconditionally frm our soul we shall reach the divinity that love is all about.... n thats where i wana go with him........

help me title this one :)

hi there....
i had to shake myself off the gloom n doom i have been going thru since yesterday... i won mope on it for more than is required but will surely tell u guys wat happened... i had one of the worst days of my life yesterday...... i was shouted at in the most inhuman of ways simply cos of my boss's ego was hurt or should i say not fed.... i felt the blow in the pit of my stomach i was so nt expecting such a wild response, so i couldn prepare for the attack....... he said the most derogatory of things,my past 2 yrs seemed jus a waste of time n effort..he questioned everythng from my credibility to my integrity... in short No One HAS EVER treated me as bad as this guy did yesterday.....
after the conversation it took me a few minutes to realise wat hit me... i had to cry to let it off my system, the good thing was that my friends helped by saying the choicest of abuses to him :) n it felt sooooooo good ... Thank God for friends..they r like angels who make u laugh thru ur tears :)
yesterday i realised the futility of us trying to please peeople, i knw i m in shit, cos i m a student registered under him,practically i shud suck upto him ..but i wont... i jus decided to show him the middle finger ( thru my attitude) n move on... the whole of today i was like a zombie in the department..but i was bringing out my survival instincts... i need them now cos LIFE IS TOUGH!!
i read in Coriee's blog that we all have 2 wolves inside us..the gory n the tame .. at times we need to feed the aggressive one n at times the tame one... i need to shift gears,its like diving off thousands of feet above the ground... with ur parachute on ur back... u ned to pull the lever to set u up.... i guess i need to do the same nw.. but m all ready for a good fight... so lets see how i come out of this unique battle of sorts.....

random thought

but since yesterday i feel so good :) proud of me for doing what all i had actually intended to .....
it feels nice to sit back after a fruitful day ...curl up in ur sheets content with the labour of the day... at times when the day throws tough moments n u actually well m feeling much happier n in control today :) its been a while since i Actually did wat i wanted to .... as in like work out... i so hate myself when i m nt physically active i imagine more flab than there actually is... n psyche myself out....
gracefully work ur way thru them ...it feels nice... i guess more than ur profile its how u handle each event or not so eventful event of ur day that makes up a good career n a beautiful life...... profound!!! :)
there's this thing that had been bothering me for quite sometime, its abt how people misunderstand u ..draw their own conclusions n write u off .... it bothers me a bit but not as much as it did earlier... when i look arnd me i wonder if the "good things" actually exist...i see people walk on like zombies.. working their way up selfishly... talk crap abt others... many times i step back from all of this jus to clear my head of the muck that goes arnd... its so important to steal a few minutes to jus close ur eyes n realise that its all so worthless.... the petty mindedness is so not human ... at times i feel like shaking people to tell them hello.... don be such a worm ..get a life man!
i pray i can keep my calm n smile all glowing for yet another day full if challenge and possibilies :) i m fallin off so guess time to hit the sack :)

pls read the date as 10/05/09 :)

its 3 minutes to midnight... and i should have bloged earlier but i was in a rotten mood since evening... had i blogged i would have jus spit venom...... i m nt sticking to my committment of bloging daily..n i don like myself for this.... it reflects wat a laid back person i have become these days... theres so much i need to do.... i need to get proactive, but here i am jus sitting n staring into the space.... waiting for a fairy God mother to come n set everythng right...has it ever happened to u that when there's lot on ur plate.... u jus don wana do anythng.... well thats hw i feel today, i also realised that my will power needs a good polishing... i was knwn for it once upon a time..... but these days it seems to be a long forgotten virtue....... hmmmm i need overhauling... could somlbody pls help.............. :) hmmmm that was a cry for help!!! i knw who to turn to.... it has to be me....
guess time to get into action......
the plan is i set small goals n tick them off on time.... so fellas wish me luck...... i so hope next time i sign in ...m more satisfied n peaceful...

sing along baby !!

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,(Real version)
Flying high,(clean version)
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you. 

 if u haven heard this song pls go right ahead n listen up..its by James Blunt and wat a gorgeous piece of music... its one of my fav.... i jus did a karoke and feels so  good :) i think singing takes u to an emotional high...try singing aloud feel the air fill ur lungs n jus carry on baby!! :) nothing feels as exhilarating .... it jus doesn matter if u bray or can croon a bit.... all that does is tat jus feel beautiful n sing :) singing has no connection to if u r a singer or not.... we all can ..in case u haven seen camerron diaz do the stunt in MY best friends.. pls do so.. she did the worst karoke ever but the must lovable too :) my fav. so far!!

day one :)

hmm... long time! i was too caught up in a few worldly things like Exams! which kept me away frm my passion of sorts these days.... yup its my blog :) i joined the blog marathon(nablopomo.ning.com)  last night n i hope i can keep at it... churn out some good posts here .....

well... theres this thing i realised tat some of my previous posts have been quite on the heavier side i guess i need to blog often when m all happy n gay :) n not jus when life is getting a bit tough to handle...hmmm... shall keep tat in mind

anyws ... i did a good thing today ... i caught up with an old friend :) wonder how we jus move on and leave a few threads behind ... entangled  n all jus there like a spiders web... making the past look like a haunting old tomb of hidden memories....  hmmm.. spooky hhuuh... u bet...

personally i hate advancing in life without resolving old issues... if i have it my way i would reach back to all n every situation which maybe i could set right.. wounds i may heal better now...situations which i could better justify now.... i don like people carrying emotional burden 

far too long than its really required! 

i am lucky to be able to move on after a blow ... it doesn take me too long to dust off n start all over again... i don give up till i find wat i m looking for and don settle for anythng but the best..guess tat helps to keep moving on .... hmmm.... but then theres this breed of people ..like my friend.... who jus wana stay stuck... they hang on to the pain, the anger... are not ready to forgive n kinda make life a living hell..... i so tried making sense to him... tat things happen for a reason ...in life we cant live with blinkers (only horses look good in them) and percieve things as how they appear...u HAVE to look at the bigger picture... the canvas of life is greater than we think it is.... NO ONE can make or break it...most of it is in our hands and much if it is pre ordained.... so why keep grudges n stay stuck..life Will pass u by..... its scary loosing ur life over past which cant be undone.....  i spent 2 hrs convincing him.... but each to his own finally n i cant do anythng more for him! sigh....  

anyws.... i have a few good stuff in my kitty :) for the blog marathaon :) n am i excited ?! u bet i am :) 

illusion!!! or is it ?

considering April is my birth month..i haven done justice to it blog wise...... hmmm anyws i hope i can snatch more of "me" time n get cosy in my space..... 

at times i wonder why do we give ourselves so much to things n people that eventually it hurts us....  is it only me or even u my fellow bloggers go thru this..... its so weird n painful.... age doesn matter .... experience still fails u ... eventually the fact is if u r an emotiomal fool u'l alws remain one.... 

sigh!!! somethngs never change they say ..... hmmm.... the secret is the balance to nt give away urself totally to anythng or anyone... they say balance n be involved yet from a distance.... yup the word i have been looking for is Detachement .... so one has to be in the thick of things n yet stay detached ..weird !! God sure has strange thngs on his mind for us.... he wants us to go on with the game of life... be there n yet be detached enough so that the blows r gentle .... the pains arent crippling n the when the sunsets the night isnt tat fearful ....... hmmm .... tough don u think so... life never ceases to teach us... n everyday i find myself coping with yet another fall out... 

wish i culd be less over the top in the matters of heart n jus learn to chill... when will that day come..m waiting patiently..has been a while .. but i still find the girl in me hurting js the way it did  what seems like an eternity ago .... n time n again i come back to the conclusion tat its all an illusion... its all Dust in the wind......... so don hang on.......  :)

sunday blues !!

sometimes we dono wat we want in life... even when life is beautiful .things r going great u wonder why r u blue....

tats exactly how i feel right now... i think sundays usualy don go very well with me.... i m ok the entire day but as the day wears off..i jus feel sad.... its like better to not have a day off....  i think staying away from ur family does tat to u.... u miss them so much tat after point u jus go numb the pain stays but the reason which otherwise is so obvious fades away into oblivion....... n jus the feelings remain..... 

at times i feel people have a lot of expectations....  and u jus don ever feel u live to upto them no matter how much u do or hw hard u try..... qustions r asked and at times when there's silence u wonder tat u shud have done it but u haven............

hmmmm.... i knw i don make much sense ..i m jus rattling off some nonsense....... i m jus ................. bored............ 

life presents u with such situations that u wonder if its a blessing or wat? by or wat i mean tat u jus don realise how to deal with things.. its like u r shown the moon on a dark night and u r told its up there somewhere to shower u with light ...don worry even though its a cloudy night ... the moon is still upthere.. jus in case u forgot... for mental satisfaction.... but then wats the use of having it so far away when u really need it closer to show u the light ..... its wat i call "dhoka" and life plays many such games.... it gives u things which r actually nt there .... they r a haze somewhere far away..... and yet u r supposed to kid urself into believing it exists!

its like "nothing i have is truly mine" 

ok i need to snap out of this mood.. but writting abt it alws helps :) its like ur best friend ... tats wat my blog is....... 

m feeling a bit better. need to hit the books nw....... so catch ya

Bodylicious ;)

hey

i jus feel like penning dwn smthng... its been a while and i missed my blog....  today as i ws going on with my work in the hospital ... saw a few patients who got me thinking... its not unusual to c people who r so dependent... so despondent.. u almst choke seeing them.. but then its ur job n u really cant get emotional..... 

i remember the day i decided to get into medical profession...i thought to my self our body is such a miracle.. its the ultimate piece of machinery.. the co ordination is amazing.. its perfect... the timing the rhythm we as humans don even knw wat we r carrying within us..... its the ultimate design of a genuis ... the creator n his creation.. 

how did it happen have u ever wondered? could a few reactions in the primordial soup of life have led to such a masterpiece... i don think so... it the work of a brilliant force... 

n then there r people who take it so for granted... u knw our looks r smthng we r born with... its the genes.... if we r healthy it a BLESSING which we rarely realise.... but most importantly wats in our hands is to take care of our health..the body which we so abuse all the time... don take it for granted.. usually we wake up only after its too late... when youth has breezed past us n the twilight yrs are approaching ... its too late then...

we need to respecct ourselves... our body .. the soul within before we expect the world to repecct us... as they say love urself before others love u !

 jus stop for a minute n thank ur body for being so perfect... for carrying u thru, al these years ... with hardly any servicing....  feel being ALIVE! we r blessed :)

and take care of the miracle tat u r !!!!!

M feeling crappy today...... i jus feel m wasting my life doing wat i am.... i knw its not true but how do u handle the pressure... i guess m ok wth handling pressure but wat freaks me out is unreasonable expectations of people....... 

i don like being answerable to anyone... i jus realised... i had only heard its an arian trait din knw it existed in me... i knw wat m doing so i guess hate when someone points a finger...... or questions my intentions.....

hmmm... life is teaching me lessons... oh God... i feel like going for a long drive ...  and leaving al this behind....... sometimes when thngs are all botched up..its so nice to close ur eyes n let ur imagination run wild...... 

like right now when i close my eyes i feel like jus taking off to some hills go for a long walk up a path n reach a monastry where lots of buddhists monks r chanting n big bells or gongs r ringing and there r these thick grey rain filed clouds jus breezing past me... i could jus touch them with my hands :) and jus sit there looking at the monks .... i can almst imagine myself in jeans n sweater n a nice muffler sitting with a smile on large stone steps of a beautiful monastry...  feels beautiful :) i guess life aint tat bad after all.... maybe m jus over reacting..... 

m feeling better already.....  i think the only person who i must live upto is myself and work hard to feel proud ... so when i look back to tell my kids the story of my struggle they can be proud of their mama :) ok nice thought to freeze on 

Prayers

hey

life at times can be such a bitch! u wonder wat is in ur hands and wat isnt..... at times we can boast of having things in our control.... but most of the times life takes u by surprise n shock...... 

when u c a person in front of u wither away... u cant do anythng for him.... al ur prayers sometimes u feel are jus geting blown away with the wind..... 

do prayers get answered... do the heavens care to listen n respond.....they say a sincere wish is alws granted... don we make sincere wishes .... i need a miracle right nw.... would the heavens oblige .... at times u really wonder if theres a style or way to pray.. when the desperation strikes and u jus dono who to pray to and how to ask.... is there a protocol Mr God??

today when i was praying for Granpa i  felt so small... i felt like a helpless child who is so dependent on his parents for everythng...... no matter hw old we become we r alws smaller than the forces above... the creator and his creation.........

and the only thng tat came instinctively to my silly brain was a bargain.... i said to God ok why don u jus take sometime off my quota of years and transfer the balance to his... and i looked up with tearful eyes wondering to myself tat why din i think of tat before..... it was a good deal if only the Almighty is ready for it......nothng kills u more than seeig the people u love; worry ,suffer and frown...... 

the only thnig i can do is to keep praying.... sometimes u wonder if god is nt listening cos u r not the best of human being.... is he partial.... or are his laws so strict that he jus wont mend his rules for you??????

i so hope its not like tat

Builders or wreckers!

I watched them tearing a building down

a gang of men in a busy town

with a hoe- he- hoe and a rusty yell

they swung the beam and the side wall fell...

I asked the foremen are these men skilled

he gave a laugh n said no indeed

jus unskilled labour is all I need

I can easily wreck in a day or two 

wat builders have taken a year to do...

and I thought to myself as  i went my way 

which of these roles have i tried to play

am i a builder who works with care 

measuring life with rules and squares...

Am I shaping my deeds to a well made plan

patiently doing the best i can

or am i a wrecker who walk the town 

content with the labour of tearing down???

P.S : i remembered this beautiful recitation frm school... don remember the author but it sure makes a lot more sense several years after passing out :)

are u smiling !!!!! :)

hey 

so feb is almst done with..... we have approx 6 days left... i jus want the days to fly ... sometimes a day is more than 24 hrs its about 60x60x24 seconds .. i think tats the calculation.. correct me if i m wrong..... and for me  a day is about those many seconds right nw ....... 

we dono wat the next minute has in mind.... life can be beautiful or it can be a bitch :) so i guess its all abt this moment... and this moment feels beautiful....  

so as they say lets seize the moment while we can .... life has no gaurantees no warranties.... its jus abt a breath at a time.... 

have u  ever felt guilty of being happy .... cos when u smile theres alws someone at the corner of ur eye whos nt so happy .. a kid on the street begging .... a blind man crossing the road n fumbling as he walks along..... a couple squabbling..... and u wonder wat r u so happy abt...  and the smile frm ur lips does a vanishing act..... does it??

guess this is life but they say the ultimat reality of life is to be happy n be at peace .. to be of use in this world... so fellas lets bring a smile to a frowning face .... lets wipe a trickling tear.. nthng in life is more satisfying than a hug frm someone in ur darkest hrs.....  

i guess the hug camapaign did make sense after all ;) 

so make a day.... make someone smile :)

u make me wana be a better person!

so .... r u guys all over the V day hang over ? :) guess for most of us it wasn as big a deal as it is for the gen X ... but yes its jus too hard to nt get swooned away by the aura of the day....
at school many times we guys used to have this conversation abt wat love is all about ..... and one of my friend's said .. "its jus a feeling between the legs" .... i snapped at him and was horrified hw guys could thnk.... though it no longer surprises me ;)
hmmm.... so the question stil remains unanswered... wat the hell is love all about... the romance doesn last forever ..so its nt a fairy tale... but yes theres somethng abt love tat makes u wana be a better person.... u knw its ths innate desire to make it easy for the person u love... u jus want peace n happiness and the last thng would be to destroy it urself..
so all in all love is more abt actions.. than words......
its a feeling tat makes u wana pray more ....... and guess tats a very powerful feeling :)
i jus discovere this..... and it all feels so damn right ... so maybe the question is beggining to get answered :)

love!

dust in the wind........

sometimes when i look back..... i wonder has life past me by... or is it jus that life is like tat.... as we walk on the path at times we wonder if this is wat we created or it a part of a pre ordained life plan.... 

the more u ponder the more lost u r.... so many times the intentions have been good ..the endings nt quite the same... at times u fell the whole has jus stopped for u and the rest r going on in their act... called Life! its scary.... like a terrified puppy who has no where to hide.. stuck in the chaotic streets wher nobody would thnk twice before crushing it alive............ quite gory but at tims it feels like tat.......

so wat is ths all abt ..... its tough ! u bet..... but i guess one cant complain .... cos we don have really anybody to complain to.... thelessons r tough but have to be learnt nevertheless...

wonder if anyone of u have ever noticed tat life hits u where it hurts the most..... its amazingly true and jus when u r so sure of urself .. when the thngs r in ur hands ...they jus slip away ..... then u realise the nonthingness of this existance.... the worthlessnes of wat we call life...

the lines of one of my fav song go like... it called "Dust in the wind"

I close my eyes only for a moment and the moments gone....

All my dreams ..pass before my eyes a curiosity..

Dust in the wind... All we r is dust in the wind.....

Same old song.... jus a drop of water in the endless sea....

all we do, crumbles to the ground though we refuse to c

Dust in the wind.........

Dont hang on .. nothng lasts forever but the earth n sky.....

it slips away all ur money wont another minute buy....

Dust in the wind, All we r is dust in the wind...

Dust in the wind.. all we r is dust in the wind........

Everythng is dust in the wind.......

Beautiful song... sums up our existance... buddy don be too critical of life...

we r here to love n give happiness ... so lets march on n don look back... it only hurts :)

every post neednt have a title :)

hiya...

long time... n i did miss myself in the web world! 

traveling down the memory lane can be so much fun at times.... with all the pains n heart aches and the smiles n cheers :)

i went for my school reunion ... and felt like a kid again... thats one place i haven been able to cut the cords with... i guess there's no need to also..... this amazing sense of belonging..... the time jus goes back to the days of dirty uniform ... snotting faces ... empty lunch boxes.... and romances which were so damn eternal and to die for :)

today my childhood sweetheart called me.. its been ten freaking years and ws his bday today.. as alws i wshed him in my prayers .. was amazed to c his call n when i answered he said "i thought let me get myself wished by you cos u will never call" i was speechless..... after all the guy is married n haven wished him since Ten freaking years......  hmmm...i jus din knw wat to say .. jus wished him good luck :) n all the love life  has to offer...... 

smethngs r better left in the past .. we shouldn bring it on ... its like haunting ghosts....

but m happy i have moved on........  m very happy to be in love with a guy i haven even met..... feels beautifully strange.... dono wat life has in store .... but who cares..m nt gona kid myself into believing otherwise... i love talking to him.... chatting with him ..... i miss him all day n night ... i like his views n thoughts ..n above all i love his eyes (seen only in pics)

 i love him so lets c where life takes me frm here ;)

Miracle :) :) ::)

hey :) its bloody 1.40 am and m still up.. i jus cant sleep these days .. love to be up at night... the day stated on a pretty troubled note.... i ws so disturbed.. was scared of losing him... was terrified of the thought that somethng could go wrong .... i had tears rolling down my eyes as i was gettng ready to go to work... for a min i lost the trust in the universe i thought somethng bad conspiring against us... and i prayed.... thats the the only thng tat  saved me actually... i was walking up n down wondering why he hadn called praying tat he would.. jus wantng to hear hs voice telling me relax .. its all gona be fine... don u worry! usually its me who is the optimistic one..... but nt today .. i jus so badly wanted a miracle....

and then i calmed myself... and told myself tat its all gona be fine.. i told myself to trust my instincts... 

the evening breeze brought the warnth and kinda erased the creases on my forehead .... my heart stopped skipping beats.... somewhere the winds were whispering tat all is fine ...  finally i recieved a call frm mom giving me a green signal :) 

so finally my faith n conviction payed off........ 

nw remains the long painful wait to meet him.... the days r numbered but long nonetheless....

but whose complainig.... a longing heart never does ;)

He wants the sky :)

hi there

yes its been a long time and i have missed my blog more than i thought i would... so finally i have arrived in my own terms in the blog world... its an awesome hideout....

so wats new... well somethng is :) and m all thrilled abt it... my heart is singing a tune ... flip flopping :) and making me day dream a lot.....

yeah feels good..but is so fluid ... guess tats wat i love the most abt life... wat all it throws at u and it jus takes u by storm :)

yes sometimes its unnerving in fact nw it is.. but if u ask me why? i cant answer.... and i jus realised and My God! wat a realisation.. tat its nt actually me whos had enough but the world which is making me feel like it.... cos as per this society of ours we have a time n age for marrige, and they make u feel the odd one out if u rnt in the scheme of thngs ... how yucky.... does anybody ask the Moon ever, how old it is and why its not changed with years gone by.... so why us... so i guess m ok with waiting but yes missing a person who would be my soulmate.... or call u whatever u want..but yeah i m longing for company....

hmmm... coming to the point now.... last time he told me he wants the sky.....

ok lemme explain... it was abt finding the right partner.. so i said to him " Go for the moon , u may not quite get it but u wont come down with a handful of dust either..."

and he said no i want the entire sky.. i don mind waiting for the time but i want the entire package ;) he said.. well u knw wat he means m sure.... and i said hmmmm.....( so typical of me.. i "hmm" more than a bee these days !)

and this got me wndering.... if "we" r meant to happen ? its one of the mystries in the universe.. so maddening at times ... but yes no denying i like him.. and i hope my poor heart is ok with the risk m taking.... if it had a choice (my heart!) it sure who would have changed bodies by now :) !

anyws... love is like that as they say!

Have a beautiful Year :)

hi there

so the New Year is finally here... feels awesome :) hope this year is fantastic.. it will be ( keeping my fingers crossed)

life has been tough of late.. painfull yes but miserable no...

lotsa lessons learnt in the last quarter.. like

1) its ok if every body doesn like you... people take jealousy far too seriously than they should.. and to no fault of ours point guns at us.....

Lesson: move on ... its ok to be not liked by all.. ur life wont be any less significant

2) have things straight in your mind n heart , once ur conscience is clear don bother about the world.. we cant yell out our intentions and purpose to the world

Lesson: be a bit of"I Don Care" person :) its really fun

3) things don get better crying abt them... or feeling hurt or miserable...

Lesson: put on ur dancing shoes.. get moving ..swing ur butt and feel the crispness of air... remember in this vast universe u r jus a speck .. so enjoy the booty of UNIVERSE and rest all can be tossed out to Mars ;)

4) its ok to be single.... its actually fun but it does get lonely at times.. its ok go thru all the emotions.. don lie to urself...

Lesson : love may take a while to knock at ur door but it sure wil... someday... so keep hangign baby ;)

5) the last one..... do a lot of introspection and pray to " The Heavens Above"

Lesson: theres a lot to life than catches our eye.... the supreme architect does exist ... let this truth sink in and ur journey would be a lot more smoother :)

P.S: to al who care to visit.... Have a fab year and keep smiling :)))))))